
“How Do I Find a Masculine Muslim Husband When Men Aren’t Leaders Anymore?” | Agony Uncle Series
Dear Agony Uncle,
I’m a 26-year-old Muslim woman from London, and I’m struggling to find a husband who embodies the qualities I’m looking for. It seems like many Muslim men today lack the masculine leadership that Islam teaches about. They’re either too passive, overly emotional, or seem to expect women to lead in relationships. I want a man who can be the head of our household, make decisions confidently, and provide for our family – isn’t this what Allah intended? My friends think I’m being unrealistic, but I don’t want to settle. How do I find a genuinely masculine Muslim man in today’s world?
– Searching in South London
As Muzz is the biggest Muslim Marriage App in the world, we hear a lot of your complaints about how hard some people are finding it, to find a spouse, more specifically how difficult some women are finding it to meet a man who is willing to take on the husband role.
Want some advice? Our CEO Shaz tackles some of your dilemmas in this video ⬇️
Understanding Islamic Masculinity in the Modern WorldIslamic masculinity and modern, perhaps more specifically western, masculinity are quite different. For women who are looking to find a partner who embodies what they view as traditional Islamic masculine qualities – leadership, provision, protection, and guidance, it might be tough.
However, it’s worth exploring what true Islamic masculinity means beyond surface-level characteristics, and how modern challenges have shaped the men in our community.
What Does the Quran and Sunnah Say About Masculine Leadership?Before getting into this, let’s have a look at what Islam says about men and masculinity. Islamic teachings emphasise that men have a role as “qawwam” (maintainers and protectors) of their families. This concept includes:
Financial responsibility: Providing for the family’s needs Spiritual leadership: Guiding the family in religious matters Protection: Safeguarding the family’s physical and emotional wellbeing Decision-making: Taking responsibility for major family decisions whilst consulting with one’s wifeHowever, the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) also demonstrated remarkable gentleness, emotional intelligence, and partnership with his wives. He helped with household tasks, consulted Sayyida Khadijah and Sayyida Aisha on important matters, and showed deep empathy and compassion.
The Reality of Modern Muslim MenThe reality of being a masculine man, in the Islamic sense, in the modern world is nuanced. There are a lot of men who want to live up to the standards of masculinity that many muslim women want however feel as though they can’t do so in the western world, and there are also a lot of men who want to submit to western, modern gender roles. As muslims we should aim to see the best in people, there might be different factors affecting muslim men’s ability to be protectors and providers that you haven’t thought about:
1) Economic Pressures
As most of us know all too well, the current cost of living, inflation and job market is brutal. The salary that could support a household in our parents generation can feel like a struggle to get by on for even one person these days. Many young Muslim men struggle with career stability, housing costs, and student debt. The traditional model of men being the sole providers while the women stay at home, has become economically challenging for many families. It can take a lot longer now for a man to get far enough in his career to be able to provide for a wife and family, than it used to a few years ago.
As a muslim woman, you might need to be more patient than previous generations while your husband gets to a place where he can provide for you. Having said this, there is a huge difference between waiting for a man who is building himself up and a man who is lazy or stagnant. If he is actively working towards providing for you, then you should give him some grace.
2) Cultural Confusion
Second and third-generation British Muslims often navigate between traditional expectations and modern British society. Whilst traditional muslim women exist in western society, there is also a large majority of the population who don’t conform to traditional standards and might even be offended if a muslim man treats them in a ‘traditional’ way. Some men might be afraid to make women feel disrespected by treating them in a way that isn’t compatible with modern values. To understand whether a man is not treating you in accordance to the traditional or cultural values you would like because of personal beliefs, it would be worth having a clear conversation about your expectations.
Reframing Your Search StrategyInstead of focusing on what’s lacking in Muslim men generally, consider refining your approach:
1. Look Beyond Surface PresentationsTrue strength often manifests quietly. The man who confidently makes decisions might also be emotionally intelligent enough to express vulnerability when appropriate. Don’t mistake gentleness for weakness.
2. Seek Character Over StereotypesFocus on finding someone with:
Integrity and honesty in all dealings Commitment to Islamic principles in daily life Ambition and work ethic even if still building his career Respect for you as an individual and future wife Emotional maturity to handle life’s challenges 3. Consider Potential Over Current PositionA 26-year-old man might still be developing his leadership skills and financial stability. Look for someone with the right foundation and growth mindset rather than expecting him to have achieved everything already. The world has changed a lot and getting to a comfortable stage in life can take far longer than ever before, not being patient with someone who has all the right qualities and ambitions could cost you an amazing marriage.
Setting Realistic ExpectationsConsider that the “masculine leadership” you seek might look different in 2025 than it did in previous generations:
A modern Muslim leader might consult with his wife on major decisions whilst still taking responsibility for outcomes Financial provision might be shared, with the husband ensuring the family’s needs are met through various means Emotional expression and empathy are strengths, not weaknesses, in Islamic masculinity Questions for Self-ReflectionAsk yourself:
Am I conflating cultural stereotypes with Islamic teachings about masculinity? Would I recognise strong character if it came in a gentler package? Are my expectations reasonable for men in my age group and circumstances? What qualities would make me a suitable wife for the type of man I’m seeking?Remember that a truly masculine Muslim man will also be looking for a wife who complements his strengths and supports his role as family leader. Focus on developing the qualities that would make you an ideal partner for such a man, and trust that Allah will bring the right person into your life at the right time.
The man you’re seeking exists, but he might surprise you with how he expresses his strength and leadership in the modern world.